The difficulties of Social Anxiety and spreading the word of God.

I am here in bed at 2AM trying to get to sleep but not having any luck. I have been thinking of different things this whole time but what stands out the most is how having social anxiety and being a Christian wanting to spread the word of God seem to be in conflict. Nothing like a person who is afraid of a crowd trying to reach out to a crowd is there? Oh boy what a conundrum that can be.

Some who no me may not realize I have social anxiety, heck some may think I can be quite the life of the party at times. Ah the false front so many of us erect to hide the truth. The truth being social settings scare the crap out of me.

Now I am not an anti social person, I actually like people, I just get nervous when I am in situations requiring me to interact with people out an about. I have not always been this way, well maybe a little, when I was younger I could actually speak in front of crowds with just a slight case of nerves. I was even an Instructor in the Navy for a bit. 

The problem start getting worse toward the tail end of my Navy career, I found it hard to go out and socialize, talk in a crowd, or be away from home. This, I can say, is not good for a person who has to work with others and leave home for months at a time. Needless to say the situation started to manifest itself into actual physical pain. You see I had injured my back earlier in my naval career when I fell about 4 feet into a pier access and landed on my can. That hurt like hell, and instead of being taken to a hospital for X-rays, I was quickly lowered below decks as the sub got underway. My back has never been the same since. Anyway, the stress I was going through was doing a number on my back with muscle spasms and sciatica, plus the depression of it all. Eventually I was discharged from the Navy for Medical reasons and at the same time went through a nasty divorce.

Not wanting to admit I had a problem with social anxiety and depression I found myself going out drinking to try and forget all the crap, this did not work at all and caused further problems and some straying from God's path. I really do not know why I would drink because I always hated the buzzed feeling, I hate anything that makes me feel out of sorts mentally; so much so I refuse to take painkillers for anything.

Anyway the social anxiety worsened taking its toll on my attemp to go to college or find a good job. I lost my dream job of working at Microsoft because I could not handle all the people their or on the commute. I always felt I had to escape back home or die of panic. The funny thing is I love Seattle, it is a great city, I just hate crowds. Social Anxiety made it hard to attend functions for my kids without feeling like I would die, that is tough to explain.

I have found some relief thanks to my wife, Diana, counseling through the VA, and Paxil I have found it easier to interact socially though I have not completely overcome my anxiety. It is funny I sometimes over compensate and talk people's ears off. 

Now let us address the tough part about being a Christian and having social anxiety. I have felt and have been taught it is the duty of a Christian to spread the word of God, the gospel to others. I believe it is part of my duty to let others know about Jesus and what he means for all of us. He is our savior, the Son of God, a gift so we all may have eternal life. Now how can I spread the word is I am afraid of my own social shadow? Hard to do. Not really, I can do it through this blog and social media. I can do it through prayer by asking for strength from the Lord to spread the word and set an example. I only recently started doing this though a voice kept telling me to get online and spread the word for awhile now. It is funny that what got me motivated to get going and work on spreading the word is a TV show on the Discovery channel, not a show from a Christian network. The show is Gold Rush, namely Todd Hoffman and his crew and how they are not afraid to show their faith. I also like Duck Dynasty and how the Robertsons are not afraid to show there faith in the Lord. I figure if they can do it then I can try and reach people with my blog. I believe that if I just bring one soul to the Lord it is worth it.

Another reason I am doing this is for my own therapy so one day I will not have anxiety in any social situations. I would love to be the "life of the party". I would love to make people laugh too.

Well I have been rambling for a bit and my tired mind is starting to fade so I will say Goodnight, or rather good morning.

God Bless